Robert Augustus Masters Q&A Part Twenty-Four
August 14,2006
A. Liz/Tamgoddess asks:
Robert-this month's newsletter was great, as usual. Loved the essay on doubt. Here are two questions for you. I thought seriously about posting them anonymously, but then, last time I did that, I ended up having to reconstruct my questions and it was a pain. What the hell, here goes.
1. I've been examining my feelings about my marriage ending and my ex's girlfriend. I've come to a point where I'm comfortable with the situation for the most part, and my ex and I are getting along very well. At this point, much of my negative feelings are just tapes playing in my head, not deeply felt emotions. They're mostly empty. I've also accepted my part in the end of our marriage.
My difficulty is in stopping these tapes from playing. Is it premature to expect that, or is there a way I can actively stop this repetitive resentment? I feel like it is coloring my new relationship in that I have fears that I'm indulging in, and I don't want to keep repeating a cycle of fear and closing myself off.
2. Also, do you have a better word for my "ex"? It sounds horrible to me, and he's much more than that. He's my best friend and my children's father. We plan on having a relationship for a long time. I would prefer a more friendly term.
3. Also, the physical distance in this new relationship is really hard for me. How does one who is not a great meditator and has trouble staying in the here and now live with the loneliness that comes with a long-distance relationship? Is there some sort of structured meditation or something that will help?
Love to you and Diane,
Liz
B. Robert Answers:
1. How to stop the tapes from playing? If they truly are just mental loops devoid of emotion, then simply becoming aware of them as they arise, and then shifting your attention to something noncognitive (like the abdominal sensations generated by your breathing) ought to be enough. But I suspect that there may be some emotion fueling the tapes, if only because you do refer to their playing as a “repetitive resentment” that you’d like to stop. I recommend that you give yourself permission to openly feel and express whatever hurt and anger may still be there, regardless of any thoughts you might have that you shouldn’t be feeling such feelings anymore.
If there is any denial whatsoever of such feelings, they will energetically migrate to your head, finding a kind of pseudo-release through the kind of thinking in which you are caught up. I suggest that when you become aware of the tapes starting to play that you immediately identify what you are feeling, and shift your attention to that, whatever it may be, and keep your attention there as best you can. Sometimes doing so will not require any overt emotional expression, and other times it will. In addition to this, I suggest that each morning you do a minimum of 15 minutes of focused meditation, followed by visualizing your ex and wishing him well for a few minutes.
2. As horrible as “ex” might sound to you, it’s important that you honor and fully accept what it signifies; you could think of him as your “ex” and still feel warmly toward him as your “ex” without bringing in whatever negative associations you might have with the term. If “ex” still doesn’t work for you, you could try extending it to “ex-partner” or try some similar labels, like “former partner” or “past partner”. You could also shorten “former partner” to “f-p” (“past partner” doesn’t shorten so well); when you mention “my f-p” to someone, you’d of course have to explain what it meant, which would give you an opportunity to say a bit more about him and your current relationship with him.
3. First of all, there’s no alternative to practicing being present; simply saying to yourself, “Now I’m aware of...” and immediately finishing the sentence is something you can do at all kinds of times. One of the benefits of this new relationship is that it is going to force you (assuming you remain committed to it) to become more skilled at being present.
I recommend that you date your loneliness.
This means spending quality time with it, becoming more sensitive to it, moving toward its pain, its craving for release from itself. Notice the intensity of your pull to get away from those sensations that characterize your loneliness. What if you were to just sit there, sit with your loneliness, not doing a damn thing other than giving it your undivided attention? What if you were to simply let it settle and rest in your presence, listening to it with an opening heart and curious mind, noticing its shape and breath, its bodily terminals, its tones, its textures, its shifts?
And shift it will, if you continue to give it undivided, compassionate attention. You can thus hold your loneliness, holding it close but not so close that it cannot breathe freely.
Then your loneliness is not just a painfulness, but a vulnerable fullness warming you, a tender ticket to your depths, a far from dysfunctional catalyst for remembering What-Really-Matters.
In letting your loneliness transmute into aloneness, you may still be physically alone, but you’ll be palpably connected, especially at the heart, with many others, realizing that only when you are truly capable of enjoying being alone are you capable of really being in relationship.
Of course, none of this means that you won’t miss your new relationship. What’s important is not to make a problem out of missing him. Stay with the ache of it, the hurt and longing of it, and use that pain to deepen your connection to the Real. Also realize the benefits of being apart: You have space to truly work through whatever’s left unfinished with your f-p; you have space to digest and integrate whatever’s happening between you and your new man; you get to deepen and refine your speaking and listening skills (via phone intimacy) with him; you are forced to gradually settle into the relationship, building a solid and true friendship, without the chemistry between the two of you getting in the way.
When it is truly time to be together full-time, the key sign will be that your separation will no longer be serving your mutual growth. Until then, be grateful for your bond, and grateful for what it stirs up in you, neither speeding nor braking the ripening of your connection.
I’m not speaking theoretically here, for my wife Diane and I spent close to a year not living together, despite feeling remarkably close and bonded early on, because we lived a thousand miles apart. We missed each other terribly during our times apart, but were okay with it until a half year or so had passed (during which time we let the depth of our bond pervade the rest of our lives), after which it began to feel, and consistently feel, unnatural not to be fully together. Then, and only then, did we begin seriously talking about living together. Your new relationship is still ripening; all you and your man need do is provide the necessary conditions for that ripening to continue. Along the way you will become much more intimate with states like loneliness, patience, doubt, and faith, not to mention your own depths. Along the way meditate, pray, weep, rage, laugh, letting go of how you think it all should be. Trust, and a deeper trust...
I’ll close this with a poem I wrote to Diane after one of our L.A. airport partings (roughly 4 months after we met):
AIRPORT BLUES II
So we parted once again
Letting the pain sweep through
Knowing it was coming
Didn’t make it any easier
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
Blazing sea of clouds below
Clear superblue skies up here
And I’m raining, raining inside
Your goodbye tears ripping me wide
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
We found a little corner
Airport crowds streaming past
Forgetting them was easy
Letting you go was not
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
We stood tenderly trembling
In our little concrete corner
Wrapped in our shared heart
Knowing we’d soon be apart
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
I carry our parting kiss
Up the bustling stairs
Leaning into the buzzing hustle
Looking back at the space between us
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
Beloved, take my hand
Let’s pass through every land
Until separation cannot keep us apart
And we are what beats our heart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A. Liz/Tamgoddess asks:
Robert-this month's newsletter was great, as usual. Loved the essay on doubt. Here are two questions for you. I thought seriously about posting them anonymously, but then, last time I did that, I ended up having to reconstruct my questions and it was a pain. What the hell, here goes.
1. I've been examining my feelings about my marriage ending and my ex's girlfriend. I've come to a point where I'm comfortable with the situation for the most part, and my ex and I are getting along very well. At this point, much of my negative feelings are just tapes playing in my head, not deeply felt emotions. They're mostly empty. I've also accepted my part in the end of our marriage.
My difficulty is in stopping these tapes from playing. Is it premature to expect that, or is there a way I can actively stop this repetitive resentment? I feel like it is coloring my new relationship in that I have fears that I'm indulging in, and I don't want to keep repeating a cycle of fear and closing myself off.
2. Also, do you have a better word for my "ex"? It sounds horrible to me, and he's much more than that. He's my best friend and my children's father. We plan on having a relationship for a long time. I would prefer a more friendly term.
3. Also, the physical distance in this new relationship is really hard for me. How does one who is not a great meditator and has trouble staying in the here and now live with the loneliness that comes with a long-distance relationship? Is there some sort of structured meditation or something that will help?
Love to you and Diane,
Liz
B. Robert Answers:
1. How to stop the tapes from playing? If they truly are just mental loops devoid of emotion, then simply becoming aware of them as they arise, and then shifting your attention to something noncognitive (like the abdominal sensations generated by your breathing) ought to be enough. But I suspect that there may be some emotion fueling the tapes, if only because you do refer to their playing as a “repetitive resentment” that you’d like to stop. I recommend that you give yourself permission to openly feel and express whatever hurt and anger may still be there, regardless of any thoughts you might have that you shouldn’t be feeling such feelings anymore.
If there is any denial whatsoever of such feelings, they will energetically migrate to your head, finding a kind of pseudo-release through the kind of thinking in which you are caught up. I suggest that when you become aware of the tapes starting to play that you immediately identify what you are feeling, and shift your attention to that, whatever it may be, and keep your attention there as best you can. Sometimes doing so will not require any overt emotional expression, and other times it will. In addition to this, I suggest that each morning you do a minimum of 15 minutes of focused meditation, followed by visualizing your ex and wishing him well for a few minutes.
2. As horrible as “ex” might sound to you, it’s important that you honor and fully accept what it signifies; you could think of him as your “ex” and still feel warmly toward him as your “ex” without bringing in whatever negative associations you might have with the term. If “ex” still doesn’t work for you, you could try extending it to “ex-partner” or try some similar labels, like “former partner” or “past partner”. You could also shorten “former partner” to “f-p” (“past partner” doesn’t shorten so well); when you mention “my f-p” to someone, you’d of course have to explain what it meant, which would give you an opportunity to say a bit more about him and your current relationship with him.
3. First of all, there’s no alternative to practicing being present; simply saying to yourself, “Now I’m aware of...” and immediately finishing the sentence is something you can do at all kinds of times. One of the benefits of this new relationship is that it is going to force you (assuming you remain committed to it) to become more skilled at being present.
I recommend that you date your loneliness.
This means spending quality time with it, becoming more sensitive to it, moving toward its pain, its craving for release from itself. Notice the intensity of your pull to get away from those sensations that characterize your loneliness. What if you were to just sit there, sit with your loneliness, not doing a damn thing other than giving it your undivided attention? What if you were to simply let it settle and rest in your presence, listening to it with an opening heart and curious mind, noticing its shape and breath, its bodily terminals, its tones, its textures, its shifts?
And shift it will, if you continue to give it undivided, compassionate attention. You can thus hold your loneliness, holding it close but not so close that it cannot breathe freely.
Then your loneliness is not just a painfulness, but a vulnerable fullness warming you, a tender ticket to your depths, a far from dysfunctional catalyst for remembering What-Really-Matters.
In letting your loneliness transmute into aloneness, you may still be physically alone, but you’ll be palpably connected, especially at the heart, with many others, realizing that only when you are truly capable of enjoying being alone are you capable of really being in relationship.
Of course, none of this means that you won’t miss your new relationship. What’s important is not to make a problem out of missing him. Stay with the ache of it, the hurt and longing of it, and use that pain to deepen your connection to the Real. Also realize the benefits of being apart: You have space to truly work through whatever’s left unfinished with your f-p; you have space to digest and integrate whatever’s happening between you and your new man; you get to deepen and refine your speaking and listening skills (via phone intimacy) with him; you are forced to gradually settle into the relationship, building a solid and true friendship, without the chemistry between the two of you getting in the way.
When it is truly time to be together full-time, the key sign will be that your separation will no longer be serving your mutual growth. Until then, be grateful for your bond, and grateful for what it stirs up in you, neither speeding nor braking the ripening of your connection.
I’m not speaking theoretically here, for my wife Diane and I spent close to a year not living together, despite feeling remarkably close and bonded early on, because we lived a thousand miles apart. We missed each other terribly during our times apart, but were okay with it until a half year or so had passed (during which time we let the depth of our bond pervade the rest of our lives), after which it began to feel, and consistently feel, unnatural not to be fully together. Then, and only then, did we begin seriously talking about living together. Your new relationship is still ripening; all you and your man need do is provide the necessary conditions for that ripening to continue. Along the way you will become much more intimate with states like loneliness, patience, doubt, and faith, not to mention your own depths. Along the way meditate, pray, weep, rage, laugh, letting go of how you think it all should be. Trust, and a deeper trust...
I’ll close this with a poem I wrote to Diane after one of our L.A. airport partings (roughly 4 months after we met):
AIRPORT BLUES II
So we parted once again
Letting the pain sweep through
Knowing it was coming
Didn’t make it any easier
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
Blazing sea of clouds below
Clear superblue skies up here
And I’m raining, raining inside
Your goodbye tears ripping me wide
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
We found a little corner
Airport crowds streaming past
Forgetting them was easy
Letting you go was not
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
We stood tenderly trembling
In our little concrete corner
Wrapped in our shared heart
Knowing we’d soon be apart
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
I carry our parting kiss
Up the bustling stairs
Leaning into the buzzing hustle
Looking back at the space between us
Only in dying, living
I leave but am not leaving
Beloved, take my hand
Let’s pass through every land
Until separation cannot keep us apart
And we are what beats our heart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
posted by adastra at 3:17 PM
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