Robert Augustus Masters Q&A Part Twenty-Seven
October 8th, 2006:
The 3-2-1 shadow-work process can be a useful way of starting to deal with our shadow elements. There’s no reason that it cannot be beneficially incorporated in an intimate relationship. It could be used as an individual practice, shared afterward with your partner, and it could also be done in the presence of your partner, as a verbal rather than written practice, which would allow your partner to witness/feel firsthand your passage through the practice. This might also allow deeper, more complete emotional expression as well as a fuller surfacing of various contributing factors to whatever you are facing, including those that might have been overlooked if the 3-2-1 process had remained a solitary writing exercise.
It’s useful here to remember not to overvalue nor to overrely on practices in intimate relationship. Sometimes we might use a particular practice to avoid dealing (or dealing more fully) with some difficulty we’re having with our partner, all the while informing ourselves that we’re doing such a practice for the sake of the relationship. Or we may assume that our having done a certain practice has brought us further along than is actually the case. And so on. What’s essential here is to allow whatever’s happening in our relationship to awaken us, while recognizing that our resistance to doing so is not just some neocortical pipsqueak, but rather a powerful force that needs to be fully met, until it is simply reclaimed us. Premature claims to having arrived here simply undermine intimacy.
Bring, and keep bringing, a discerning eye to whatever practices you are doing. Look inside your looking. Develop more intimacy with what is beyond all practice, even as you honor and employ practices that serve you and your relationships. There are practices that can help establish and deepen intimacy, but intimacy itself is not a practice. We don’t do it, but simply live it.
Every practice has its shadowside; all you need do is open yourself to seeing it (without, however, using such insight to negate or prematurely discard the practice). And the shadow of 3-2-1 shadow-work? It might include: (1) the tendency to assume that a fuller integration has occurred than actually has; (2) the tendency to settle for less emotional opening, expression, and depth than is really needed; (3) the tendency not to put enough attention into seeing, feeling, and working with the origins and evolution of particular shadow elements; and (4) the tendency to underestimate the need for more in-depth shadow-work, such as is possible through integral psychotherapy.
In working with shadow material in an intimate relationship, the first step is to actually see what’s going on, and to acknowledge and name it. For example, we’re pissed off at our partner for speaking unkindly to us earlier in the day, and are busy flaying that one with righteous invective, letting our anger mutate into aggression. We’re raising our fist and pointing our finger, not seeing that there are three of our fingers pointing back at us. As soon as we allow ourselves to see this, there’s a mini-interruption of our neurotic ritual; if we go a step further, and name what we’re doing -- reacting, being aggressive, and so on -- we further our braking, and widen our view.
The next step is to directly communicate what’s going on, confessing our inner whereabouts, and doing so non-defensively. Vulnerability and transparency are essential, but even if they are not particularly present, we can still communicate that. Such self-generated whistleblowing may, however, be very difficult to put into action if we’re easily shamed around not doing things better. We may in fact so quickly convert our shame into other emotions or states -- like anger (directed at the other or at ourselves) and shutting down -- that we render ourselves almost incapable of speaking up with any clarity or conviction. But we can nonetheless still communicate that, if only through a pre-agreed-upon signal of some sort. The point is to not give ourselves an out; instead of our partner backing us into a corner, we do it ourselves. Yes, this is tough -- and may bruise our egoity -- but it is doable, and necessary if our relationship is to truly mature.
It is important not to let our recognition and acknowledgment of our projections onto our partner obscure the possibility that what is bothering us about them may still need to be addressed. For example, their mean-spirited criticalness may put us in touch with our tendency to do likewise (however subtly), but it also needs to be challenged and explored. When our investigation of our relational trouble spots is mutual, and remains mutual, our relationship can only deepen.
In a me-centered relationship (two cults of one in coalition), shadow-work doesn’t get very far, for there’s too much investment in being right. Projection runs rampant, much like it did between America and Russia during the Cold War. The me-centered couple has so much unexamined shadow material going on that their relationship is not much more than a no-one’s-land where both skirmish for control, or one runs roughshod over the other, flag held high.
Things are less extreme in a we-centered relationship (a cult of two). The battlefield becomes more of an arena of diplomacy and negotiation. Some shadow elements are identified, but usually are not worked with very deeply. Mild (and not-so-mild) suppression and relocation of our apparently undesirable elements tends to take precedence over open expression and breakthrough. We may dream of a large scary animal that’s pursuing us, and we may later recognize that it is the embodiment of something we’re scared of in ourselves -- like our power or raw animality -- but we’re not likely to really get into exploring it, settling for a mostly intellectual understanding of it, with little or no protest from our partner. Our relationship may be afloat upon a stagnant sea, but at least it’s afloat.
In a being-centered relationship, adversarial and diplomatic stances toward shadow elements in each other are replaced by a mutually compassionate, full-blooded, side-by-side facing of what is disowned, marginalized, rejected, endarkened or neurotic in both partners. Now a real intimacy -- not just exposure and expression, but intimacy -- can be developed with the shadow elements of both partners . Here we not only face what’s been disowned in us, but also get close enough to it -- letting ourselves feel it so deeply that we know it from the deep inside -- to free up its energies without, however taking on its viewpoint, until it is no longer an it, but only reclaimed us. This is true integration, organic and real and felt right to the core.
The deeper we dive, the less we mind upsetting waves, finding in intimate relationship an increasingly compelling invitation to find freedom through our shared heart, our shared body, our shared limitations, our shared shadow, our shared mortality, our shared being, our shared yes...
A. IAMisHome asks:Robert answers:
"I imagine The 3-2-1 Process is something relatively easy to adapt in relationships" is a comment I had in the Integral Relationships thread. What Robert think of that? 1. Does he think it is appropriate to have The 3-2-1 Process applied to intimate relationships? 2. If yes, how does he suggest to apply it? 3. If no, what does he recommend in place of? 4. And if the question is appropriate to the subject, what could (or should) be the differences in the process applying between an intimate relationship(with a lover) and a less intimate relationship, for example with a friend. Thank you Robert.
The 3-2-1 shadow-work process can be a useful way of starting to deal with our shadow elements. There’s no reason that it cannot be beneficially incorporated in an intimate relationship. It could be used as an individual practice, shared afterward with your partner, and it could also be done in the presence of your partner, as a verbal rather than written practice, which would allow your partner to witness/feel firsthand your passage through the practice. This might also allow deeper, more complete emotional expression as well as a fuller surfacing of various contributing factors to whatever you are facing, including those that might have been overlooked if the 3-2-1 process had remained a solitary writing exercise.
It’s useful here to remember not to overvalue nor to overrely on practices in intimate relationship. Sometimes we might use a particular practice to avoid dealing (or dealing more fully) with some difficulty we’re having with our partner, all the while informing ourselves that we’re doing such a practice for the sake of the relationship. Or we may assume that our having done a certain practice has brought us further along than is actually the case. And so on. What’s essential here is to allow whatever’s happening in our relationship to awaken us, while recognizing that our resistance to doing so is not just some neocortical pipsqueak, but rather a powerful force that needs to be fully met, until it is simply reclaimed us. Premature claims to having arrived here simply undermine intimacy.
Bring, and keep bringing, a discerning eye to whatever practices you are doing. Look inside your looking. Develop more intimacy with what is beyond all practice, even as you honor and employ practices that serve you and your relationships. There are practices that can help establish and deepen intimacy, but intimacy itself is not a practice. We don’t do it, but simply live it.
Every practice has its shadowside; all you need do is open yourself to seeing it (without, however, using such insight to negate or prematurely discard the practice). And the shadow of 3-2-1 shadow-work? It might include: (1) the tendency to assume that a fuller integration has occurred than actually has; (2) the tendency to settle for less emotional opening, expression, and depth than is really needed; (3) the tendency not to put enough attention into seeing, feeling, and working with the origins and evolution of particular shadow elements; and (4) the tendency to underestimate the need for more in-depth shadow-work, such as is possible through integral psychotherapy.
In working with shadow material in an intimate relationship, the first step is to actually see what’s going on, and to acknowledge and name it. For example, we’re pissed off at our partner for speaking unkindly to us earlier in the day, and are busy flaying that one with righteous invective, letting our anger mutate into aggression. We’re raising our fist and pointing our finger, not seeing that there are three of our fingers pointing back at us. As soon as we allow ourselves to see this, there’s a mini-interruption of our neurotic ritual; if we go a step further, and name what we’re doing -- reacting, being aggressive, and so on -- we further our braking, and widen our view.
The next step is to directly communicate what’s going on, confessing our inner whereabouts, and doing so non-defensively. Vulnerability and transparency are essential, but even if they are not particularly present, we can still communicate that. Such self-generated whistleblowing may, however, be very difficult to put into action if we’re easily shamed around not doing things better. We may in fact so quickly convert our shame into other emotions or states -- like anger (directed at the other or at ourselves) and shutting down -- that we render ourselves almost incapable of speaking up with any clarity or conviction. But we can nonetheless still communicate that, if only through a pre-agreed-upon signal of some sort. The point is to not give ourselves an out; instead of our partner backing us into a corner, we do it ourselves. Yes, this is tough -- and may bruise our egoity -- but it is doable, and necessary if our relationship is to truly mature.
It is important not to let our recognition and acknowledgment of our projections onto our partner obscure the possibility that what is bothering us about them may still need to be addressed. For example, their mean-spirited criticalness may put us in touch with our tendency to do likewise (however subtly), but it also needs to be challenged and explored. When our investigation of our relational trouble spots is mutual, and remains mutual, our relationship can only deepen.
In a me-centered relationship (two cults of one in coalition), shadow-work doesn’t get very far, for there’s too much investment in being right. Projection runs rampant, much like it did between America and Russia during the Cold War. The me-centered couple has so much unexamined shadow material going on that their relationship is not much more than a no-one’s-land where both skirmish for control, or one runs roughshod over the other, flag held high.
Things are less extreme in a we-centered relationship (a cult of two). The battlefield becomes more of an arena of diplomacy and negotiation. Some shadow elements are identified, but usually are not worked with very deeply. Mild (and not-so-mild) suppression and relocation of our apparently undesirable elements tends to take precedence over open expression and breakthrough. We may dream of a large scary animal that’s pursuing us, and we may later recognize that it is the embodiment of something we’re scared of in ourselves -- like our power or raw animality -- but we’re not likely to really get into exploring it, settling for a mostly intellectual understanding of it, with little or no protest from our partner. Our relationship may be afloat upon a stagnant sea, but at least it’s afloat.
In a being-centered relationship, adversarial and diplomatic stances toward shadow elements in each other are replaced by a mutually compassionate, full-blooded, side-by-side facing of what is disowned, marginalized, rejected, endarkened or neurotic in both partners. Now a real intimacy -- not just exposure and expression, but intimacy -- can be developed with the shadow elements of both partners . Here we not only face what’s been disowned in us, but also get close enough to it -- letting ourselves feel it so deeply that we know it from the deep inside -- to free up its energies without, however taking on its viewpoint, until it is no longer an it, but only reclaimed us. This is true integration, organic and real and felt right to the core.
The deeper we dive, the less we mind upsetting waves, finding in intimate relationship an increasingly compelling invitation to find freedom through our shared heart, our shared body, our shared limitations, our shared shadow, our shared mortality, our shared being, our shared yes...
posted by adastra at 8:04 AM
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